What Two Grandparents and Grief Taught Me

My Grandma Chaffin passed away last year in February. I remember getting an email at work from Caleb to call him. I was working in the lab at the time, and I was in a study room by myself working on food. I don't know why this is so vivid in my memory but it is. So, I go out to the hallway to call him, somewhat knowing what was to come. I didn't know how hard it would hit me. I finished my work day after talking to my boss, and I was very thankful to go the funeral. 

My last memory with her is in June of 2018, Caleb emailed me to call him. Again, this is such a vivid memory. Receiving an email to call him as I'm doing food in a study and so I called him. He told me that everyone thinks she's going to pass on and that if I want to say good bye, I should come home. I asked a manager if I could leave since mine was out of the office that day. I was going up north for Big Ticket Festival for the rest of that week so I didn't have to worry about coming back. I finished my task and drove home. I don't remember the drive except for some worship music. I spent the afternoon and a chunk of Wednesday with her and my aunt. I helped my aunt clean the house, and then my grandma wanted her fingernails cleaned and filed down. She didn't talk much about faith with me but she was asking if I knew Jesus and was talking about heaven. It was a very bittersweet conversation. My last picture of her is of her reading her bible and I will forever cherish capturing that moment. I left that day to meet Caleb at my parents so we could get up to Gaylord. We ended up leaving the festival a day early so I could have more time with her before she was later put in a home to be better taken care of. 

My Grandma Chaffin was a sweet lady. I watched the home shopping network with her growing up and I have 2 items in my house from those moments, a small porcelain doll with my birth month and a cookie press. She only got really mad at me once, when I climbed the corner cabinet and broke all her cardinal figurines in it. I now have that and the figurines in my home. I know she loved me and she never judged me for not chasing boys. She encouraged me in my schooling and while a part of me wishes I would have visited her in the home, my cousin reminded me at the funeral that it was good that I had those last good memories of her. She had dementia so she didn't know who anyone was at the end. Caleb also told me "How many times are you going to rush home and say goodbye?". It may seem selfish to not visit her in the home, but living 2 hours away makes it hard to visit anytime I want with the life I've created here.

What I learned through my grandma is a lot of love and patience. She also got married into her 20's and never made me feel bad about not dating. Her and Grandpa Chaffin always said "There's plenty of time for that." and I took that as an affirmation that I was doing the right thing, no matter what anyone else thought. Her and grandpa never yelled at each other. When he would say something she didn't like, I would hear "Honey...." and while that rarely did anything, I find myself doing the same thing in my marriage as I learn more patience in marriage. I love my Grandma and I will celebrate her every year on March 1st because she was a special lady to me.

♥Christmas 2015♥ 

My grandpa's death in April this year wasn't unexpected. It was a long time coming. I should have been at his graveside ceremony but a misunderstanding with Caleb led to me watching it on Facebook live in my cubicle at work. I had never been so thankful for technology. Did he deserve better? I think so but I'm very biased ♥ What I learned, though, that it doesn't matter if I was there or not. It's the best knowing he is no longer suffering here on this broken earth. He wouldn't want me feeling guilty that I missed the service because I know I will see him again.

My Grandpa Marvin was my number 1 fan outside of my parents. He saw me run, play clarinet, and he inspired me to learn the saxophone. My fondest memory is when I gave him a senior picture of me holding my saxophone on a stool and when I was visiting him some time after giving it to him, he pulled me aside, and as he was giving me a huge side hug, took me to the doorway of his bedroom. He whispered into my ear as he pointed at that picture "I'm so proud of you." He never made me doubt his love for me as his granddaughter. He also never put expectations on me. He was proud of me, no matter what I did. His smile was a rarity but I'm so thankful to have it captured on my wedding day, and I'm so very grateful that he was able to travel with some friends for the wedding because his health got worse and worse after my wedding. When he was in therapy for his knee, I remember coming home to visit him and wheeling him down to his therapy session. I know he greatly enjoyed me there. He cracked a couple jokes with the nurse and that would be the last time I heard jokes coming from him.

The funniest, yet strangest thing, was that my mom's boxer, Dolly, loved Grandpa. Whenever he visited, she would lay at his feet and he would scratch her ears. There was an undeniable connection there that we can't explain, and I believe she is with my Grandpa up in heaven. We had to put her down in June due to some health issues, and while that was hard, I believe my grandpa needed his buddy.

                                    My Grandpa and I when I was home for a visit in college.

Overall, grief has taught me to never take for granted the time you have with someone. I now try to call my only living grandpa a couple times a month. It doesn't always work out but those conversations are some of my favorite memories of this year. I've also learned that guilt can eat you from the inside out and make you a different person. Yes, I missed a graveside ceremony for my grandpa but it's been such a weird year with covid, and my grandpa wouldn't want me to feel guilty about it. Grieving my grandpa this year was a lot different than last year for my grandma but grief is grief. It's been a lot of talking to my mom about him and writing. Grieving him was a part of why I got off social media for a few months. I learned I couldn't grieve the world's problems while working through my own. My mental health thanked me. I was able to work through how I felt and why I'm able to write my story.